Friendships are often built on shared interests, mutual trust and emotional connection. But what happens when a wealth or income gap emerges between friends? During a cost of living crisis that’s affecting us all differently, maintaining relationships across different financial circumstances can be challenging.
Differences in wealth and/or income can lead to tension, envy, resentment and even the end of the relationship.
So, how do people navigate friendships (and their feelings!) when they’re earning a lot less or more than their friends? How do they socialise and talk to their friends about money? And how can they soften the awkwardness in situations where financial differences are heightened?
“I feel envious and wish I was in a better situation” - Maya
Maya*, 33, from Lancaster, works in the charity sector and earns £32k a year. She makes around £10k less than her close friends and says she feels “behind” in life compared to those in stable senior roles in local government and education. One friend is already a headteacher – a role with an average salary of over £67k in the UK, according to Glassdoor.
“I feel envious and wish I was in a better situation,” says Maya. “I recently asked for a pay increase, but I work for a charity and don’t have incremental pay every year like my friends. I have to remind myself why I do the job I do, and I did take a pay cut for this role because I was unhappy in a previous job.”
Maya also became a carer for her two younger siblings after their parents passed away a few years ago, which includes supporting them financially every month. As well as bearing responsibility for her late mum’s dog.
“When my friends talk openly about using their credit card, or getting help towards childcare, it’s a stark reminder I don’t have financial support other than what I earn,” she says. “It makes me feel bitter that I don’t have a safety net. I feel uncomfortable when they talk about dropping £200 on shopping trips, when I can’t remember the last time I bought myself something that was a want, not a need.”
“Many of my friends are good, competent people and deserve to be making more money than they are” - Rob
On the other side of the money divide is Rob*, 27, from Manchester, a software test engineer on £53k a year. He earns between £25-38k more than his closest friends, who mostly work in customer support and hospitality, and £27k more than his partner. More than anything else, he says the wealth gap makes him sad.
“Many of my friends are good, competent people and deserve to be making more money than they are. Several of them also have degrees like me but simply can't find work in the current rough job market.”
Rob adds: “It makes me feel very lucky to be where I am and sad that more of them aren't where I think they should be.”
“I often feel stingy saying I have coffee at home, and have to turn down meeting up for financial reasons” - Maya
Financial differences can affect the activities friends do together and leave room for discomfort and awkwardness in social settings. “It can make social situations hard, as friends often want to eat at more expensive places or go for impromptu drinks and coffees,” Maya says. “I often feel stingy saying I have coffee at home, and have to turn down meeting up for financial reasons.”
Maya recently had to sell her ticket to a Pulp gig in a different city, which she’d been planning to go to with friends for months, because she couldn’t afford the accommodation, travel, food and drink costs. “Realistically, I couldn’t go without being broke,” Maya says. “I was absolutely gutted and frustrated. As someone who used to be in my overdraft very often, I'm incredibly anxious about being in that situation again.”
Maya says she’s stopped buying rounds at the pub because she can’t afford it. “It’s not because I'm being stingy. I've noticed that if I do the first or second round, I end up doing more rounds. Maybe I notice it more than others,” she explains.
“Whenever I go out, however much money I’ve got on my Monzo, that’s the amount I can spend and once that's finished, I've got to go home. I don’t like to dip into my Pots. My friends don’t have the same viewpoint,” Maya adds.
“It can limit what we can do together, where we can go to eat or what activities we can participate in” - Rob
For Rob, the wealth gap between him and his friends is “most apparent when selecting things like restaurants”. He says: “It can limit what we can do together, where we can go to eat or what activities we can participate in,” he says.
“Going to a restaurant that I might choose on a whim may need planning a month or more in advance for others to be able to join. It can be stressful at times.”
For his birthday this year, Rob had a shortlist of places he wanted to go. “It quickly became apparent that people's money situation wasn't great. So I did my main birthday meal at an all you can eat world buffet. My partner and I went out separately to have a meal at a more expensive place.”
“Everyone is understanding of others’ means and we try as much as possible to be considerate and plan accordingly,” he adds.
“I’m selective about who I discuss money with” - Rob
A wealth gap between friends can create a sense of discomfort or shame for both sides, which can make it difficult to discuss financial matters openly and honestly.
“I’m selective about who I discuss money with as some friends will be fine, but I risk inadvertently making others feel bad,” says Rob. “Some people know everything about my situation, but with others I’ll deliberately be more guarded, just because I don't want to make them feel negatively about the whole situation.”
Maya thought her friends were biting their tongues when she told them she was selling her Pulp ticket. “I could tell they were probably a bit disappointed with me, but wouldn't say it. But there wasn't really much else I could do.”
Rob says Monzo makes it easier and less awkward to navigate his friends’ different financial situations. “We constantly use it to split bills. I'm usually the friend who pays and then I split with everyone after the fact. We're all on Monzo so it's very easy to do and when we have guests who aren't, monzo.me links make it super simple to use. I've never been paid back faster.”
Rob says he’s been in situations where friends have messaged him under the table to say they can’t split the bill evenly and can only afford to pay for what they ordered. “I can enact that and charge them less and no one else is aware. Because some people struggle to be open about their financial hardships, or they can't afford things, Monzo lets them facilitate that without having to talk to the whole group.”
For Maya, the most helpful thing about Monzo is being able to save money for socialising in her Pots. One is purely for “fun spends” and “when it’s getting low I restrict what I can do socially, but it helps me keep track of what I’m doing,” she says.
Recently, Maya cancelled a pub roast with a friend she hadn’t seen for years, claiming she was ill, because she didn’t have enough money left after spending it at another friend’s birthday drinks.
So, what’s the secret to maintaining friendships despite financial differences? Ultimately, empathy, understanding and mutual support are the key ingredients for maintaining strong friendships, regardless of how much money people happen to have.
As someone who didn’t grow up with wealth and is very aware of his privilege now, Rob’s advice to others in his position is to be open, honest and understanding. “Make sure people know you're there and that you can help them out. You can contribute more financially so the group can go to a slightly nicer restaurant, for example.”
He continues: “Be accommodating and understanding, because equally, you don't want to alienate people by bragging. It does make me feel good to be able to spoil them from time to time, but you don't want to throw endless things at them to the point where they feel anxious. You just need to deal with it with maturity and put people first.”
“You might have missed out on the memories from a meal out, pub outing or a day trip, but that doesn’t mean there won't be more in the future” - Maya
To maintain friendships across a wealth or income gap, it’s also important to focus on your shared values, interests and emotional connection. “My friends don't begrudge me for having less money and obviously they're not really true friends if they're judging you for your monetary value and what you're able to do or not do,” says Maya. “I wouldn't be friends with a lot of people if that was the case.
To those who also feel left behind financially in their friend group, she advises: “Don’t feel guilty. Everyone needs to have enough money to live. I get a massive fear of missing out but rather than thinking about short-term happiness, I try to think of my long-term happiness.
“You might have missed out on the memories from a meal out, pub outing or a day trip, but that doesn’t mean there won't be more in the future.”
If you find yourself struggling with financial difficulties, we’re here to support you and help you navigate the situation. Take a look at some of our recommended resources at monzo.com/money-worries/
To apply for a Monzo current account and access Pots you must be a UK resident. Ts&Cs apply.
*We’ve changed their names.